


There's No Coloring Around Us Anymore (You Either Know Or You Don't)

by veinmichael (AvannahSay)



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: And Michael's sucidalness is mentioned, Angst, Basically its Muke angst bc of the drama rn, Fluff and Angst, I rambled the fuck out of this, Luke looks like a son of a bitch, M/M, and Michael is a teddy bear, basically its all rolling stone article trash, but their fighting is funny bc Mike quotes luke whenever he can, if you still reading this damn you a trooper, like a lot, okay I made this a lot longer than I intended, so trig warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-28
Updated: 2015-12-28
Packaged: 2018-05-09 20:24:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,759
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5554046
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AvannahSay/pseuds/veinmichael
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Don't want the world to know I'm by myself.<br/>Don't want the world to know I'm on your shelf.<br/>But if you want to try at all<br/>Stay for the night, tell you why nothing's right if you're gone<br/>Stay for the night, if it's all a lie, I wouldn't mind if you're wrong<br/>Stay for the night, we've been alright for so long<br/>There's no coloring around us anymore<br/>You either know or you don't"</p><p>Or The Rolling Stone Magazine reveals a lot more than it seems. And honestly everyone is broken. Especially Michael. And Luke. Luke too.</p>
            </blockquote>





	There's No Coloring Around Us Anymore (You Either Know Or You Don't)

Michael flinched when he heard the magazine slap against the table in front of them. They had been met with an emergency meeting, and Michael had his friends seemingly all turned against him. He had no idea why, until he opened his phone and saw the Rolling Stone article that the band had written about them. And everything went downhill. 

"Either of you care to explain this?" Nick said. Nick was one of their head managers, and based on his red face and puffing cheeks, he was livid. "Your sales and followers just plummeted, so feel free to answer."

"He lied." Ashton piped up nervously. "Well in some parts." 

"And what parts are truthful. The part about Michael instructing him on how to use a fleshlight, or you insulting the female demographic you have Mr. Irwin?" Nick spat. Ashton shrunk in his chair, his shoulders raising protectively as if his body was making a shield. "Boys, I don't think you understand how bad this truly is."

"I think we do." Luke sighed. Nick sent the youngest boy a harsh glare. 

"Right now, I don't even want to hear you speak."

"What've I done?" Luke laughed. 

"What have you  _done?_ " Nick repeated. "Luke you've managed to set the world in flames. You pissed off almost all your fans, and other artists are coming roaring infuriated with your comments. Or have you not read the magazine? Have you not pushed contract boundaries?" Luke rolled his eyes ignorantly at the man. "And the only person who gets let off with a slap on the wrist right now is Michael." Michael looked up at the man with a face of soft surprise. "The only thing that seemed to soothe over half your fans was him opening up. And although it was a breech, he helped us." Michael's heart hammered against his chest, feeling all the boys' eyes on his back. 

"Like Ashton said, they lied." Luke reminded. 

"No matter how much is truth and how much is a lie, there is always truth in articles, Luke." Nick said. "So what exactly did you say about your relations with fans? What exactly did you say about your sex life with those girls? At least Michael doesn't look like a whore." Michael closed his eyes, sighing and trying not to whimper at the image. "We'll deal with this later. Possibly in a lawsuit. Luke, tell that girl on your lap to keep quiet. And stay hidden for the next few days. Ashton, the police is still involved with your stalking case. We'll call you when we get that information. As for anything else? Piss me off before the new year, we'll have a problem." The boys nodded, Luke still rolling his eyes, and Nick's assistant escorted them out.

When the boys arrived in the elevator, Calum was first to speak. 

"I shouldn't have made the sex tape joke, I didn't think he's write that." He mumbled.

"You didn't know." Ashton soothed. "We all have our regrets right now. I worded the whole female thing wrong. I deserve this. I'm sorry I fucked this up so bad guys." Calum placed a soothing hand on Ashton's shoulder, but instead of group regrets being shared, it was rather a sudden blame. 

"You didn't do anything Ash; Luke did." Michael said. Calum and Ashton's eyes snapped between the boys, looking between Luke and Michael while the silence fell over them, soon broken by Luke's half laugh. 

"Oh yeah, because the fans leaving is strictly my fault." Michael scoffed at Luke's words. 

"Yeah,  _it was._ Did you even read it? He wrote down every laugh, every joke you said, and people, our fans, keep DMing me telling me how we lied, how we cheated them, and how they didn't know we just played them like that. You know someone asked me if the Jet Black Heart video even meant anything? If the album meant anything? They feel betrayed by us. Just because you had to go and gloat about the girls you fucked at all your stupid fucking parties." Michael ranted. Ashton stared with wide eyes as Michael's face began to flush in anger. 

"This is such a fucking joke." Luke laughed. "Blame me, for everything, right?" Calum moved over to Michael grabbing his arm protectively, genuinely afraid he might lunge for the boy. "God ever since we fucking split you've been a real cock." Michael's throat caught, and he felt like Luke had punched him in the stomach.

"Dude, low blow." Calum warned. "Let it go, would you?"

"Why should I let it go if he's gonna blame me for all this shit."

"You know how many people hate us? You know even Geordie hates me now?" Michael spat. 

"Then go back and date her." Luke said. The elevator finally came to a stop when Luke finished his sentence, but Michael didn't let Luke leave without another bash.

"She asked me something today. She asked me how I could be friends with a lowlife asshole like you." Luke's nostrils flared, watching Michael and Calum exit the elevator first, Ashton clinging to his arm.

"Let him go. He's just... He's mad that he has to do all the dirty work because nobody trusts the three of us right now." Luke tugged his arm away from Ashton's grip.

"Well maybe he should stop fighting our battles for us."

"Luke, he's in a band with us. He has to."

"Well maybe one of us should fucking leave."

-

Michael hadn't left his room in nearly 24 hours. He didn't even eat. His mom had reduced to putting bowls of Ramen Noodles at his door, left overs, and water bottles. The only time he came out was to pee, and he was swift to not be heard, like he oiled his bedroom door to no longer make it's horror movie screech. He had grown close to the darkness, the only light in his room was the one slipping through the curtains and the brightness on his computer screen. He was mad, pissed even, but mostly hurt. He cared about the band, and he cared about Luke, but this was too much. He and Luke had an unfortunate series of events, random hookups that lead to feelings, and then Luke started losing them, so they agreed that it'd be best to leave each other and stay out of each other's hearts unless it was for friendship purposes. But Michael's feelings never really left. Michael knew. He was never dating luke, but if they had, there would be several classifications of cheating. But Michael cared about him too much to even say anything about it, so now that the article was out, and everything looked as bad, if not worse than it was, his feelings came spilling with blame.

The red haired boy tried to stay offline, but he was impulsive, and he couldn't. For every 'we love you Michael!' was a 'you guys are trash.' and Michael wanted to sink away from everything. He half wished he had never convinced Luke and Cal to join him in creating a band, half wished he never messaged Ashton about their first gig. He wished they never moved to London, almost went homeless to follow their dreams. Because this wasn't a dream; it was a nightmare.

Before Michael could drown in anymore corked tears, his phone buzzed twice, and Geordie's name flashed across the screen.

'Check Twitter. It's messy'

'Try not to be intimidated.' 

It was also in that moment, that his twitter notifications went nuts. 

If the trending topic of #5SOSISDEAD wasn't messy enough, the 3 tweets from Justin Bieber and his army of fans telling Michael he should mind his own business was a complete oil spill on aisle 4. Michael read through them with blurry bloodshot eyes, trying to fight feelings of humiliation through all of them. It took him a minute to process it all, and he exited the app, closed his eyes, and dialed up a familiar name.

It Rang Once

Twice.

"What's good?" Calum greeted happily. 

"So Justin Bieber just dragged me and I want to jump off the nearest cliff." Michael stated. 

"Well what the fuck did he say?" Calum asked. His voice was full of annoyance as well surprise, and he sounded like he was scrambling to get up on the other line.

"You want me to read it?" 

"I mean it'd be good to know what the fuck is going on." Michael sighed at Calums confirmation, and put the call on speaker as he moved back to twitter, but the tweets seemingly disappeared. 

"Okay that went away quickly."

"Did he delete them?"

"I'll find them again, trust me, I have to say something."

"And you want me to help you reply to your own drag?"

"I haven't slept in 2 days and I want to fucking die, can you please sympathize with me for a minute?" Michael huffed, typing in his name in the twitter search bar. 

"Just read them." Calum groaned.

"He said. and I quote." Michael began. " _Sorry guy-_ "

"He called you fucking _guy_?"

"I didn't even start. He said: _Sorry guy, don't hate you. Don't even know u_."

"Yikes."

"And then it went on to say: _are u sure u came to our party because my album wan't on loop? Strange_. And: _wish u the best. Don't use my name for headlines. U already on the cover_. Plus: _U don't need it. Just be honest. Big hugs buds... And now we can all move on. No Hate all love. Happy to make it clear. Happy Times_." Michael finished. "I think I'm gonna deactivate for the next month."

"Well at least he said he didn't hate you."

"He basically told me shut the fuck up and we have no problems."

"Alright," Cal began. "That may be true, but just respond really really passively."

"How the fuck do I respond really really passively to Justin fucking Bieber who has sold more albums than times I've opened my mouth." Michael said defeated. 

"Just like, tell him that they faked it out." Michael furrowed his eyebrows at Calum's advice. 

"You want me to cover for my ass and Luke's ass?" Michael asked aggressively.

"I was hoping you'd cover for Ash's ass and my ass too." Michael rolled his eyes at Calum's voice. "If you want my help with the tweet, you have to sugar coat the whole lying thing."

"But half of Luke's bullshit wasn't a lie."

"Yeah, well he was fucking pissed off at you that day and said anything about fucking girls that week to piss you off. He did it to himself, but now he's fucked up, so can you  _please_ cover it up?" Michael sighed, opening up twitter on his laptop and setting his phone down on the bed. 

"Just tell me what to fucking type before I change my mind."

-

"Did Mikes text you?" Ashton asked Luke. The blonde haired boy raised an eyebrow, looking away from his phone. The three troublemakers had taken a day away from immediate family to celebrate their own band of original Australian/New Zeland crew down by the pier. Luke however, had ended up isolating himself off, texting back and forth with Arzaylea about the latest drama updates and what should and shouldn't be said. As well as the drama within his own circle at home. She was entertaining at the least, sending him videos of her new kitten, but the cat didn't keep him happy for very long, so he started ignoring the snapchats and dabbling around with other things on his phone.

"Did he text _you_?" Luke asked.

"I mean it was in the group chat." Luke rolled his eyes. "What?"

"I took myself out of it like 4 days ago. Glad you noticed." Ashton looked at the boy with a sudden defensive attitude. 

"Well Justin Bieber tried to call him out."

"Good." Luke said blankly.

"And he got a follow from him."

"Con-fucking-grats. How's that involve me?" Luke asked turning back to his phone.

"God what the fuck is your problem?Do you miss his ass that bad that you have to rash on him for the past month. You didn't even show up to his birthday. You hung out with Zay. Again."

"What's your point?" Luke mumbled. Ashton huffed, grabbing the phone from Luke's hands. "Fuck off!"

"How about you fuck off. Have you seen him this month? At all? All he tweets is sad shit, and he's trying to clear shit up all by himself, with people sending him messages to take more fucking sleeping pills. His friends fucking hate him, especially the ones who knew about you and him. Fans are leaving in groups of 50s, all our follower counts have gone down, and our album sales fucking plummeted, and people are trying to refund their tickets. Please tell _me_ to fuck off again." Ashton cussed. The older boy tossed the phone back into the blue eyed boy's lap, and left without another word.

-

It was one of the first times Michael had been totally and completely alone on New Years Eve, and as the last few moments of 2015 ticked away, it felt like his sanity did too. He was cocooned in his duvet, smelt like shit, hadn't showered in days, nor shaved, and empty bowls were stacked all around his room, and he was in the same pair of boxers as 3 days before. 

He had seen his mom for the first time since Christmas when she came in and rubbed his back earlier that day

_( "Your dad and I are going out tonight. So you'll be home alone."_

_"Okay."_

_"You gonna be okay?"_

_"I'm not 13 mum."_

_"Well we left you pizza money."_

_"Again, I'm not 13."_

_"Just don't start the new year in a bad place kiddo.")_

and he finally felt like actually taking her advice. But at the same time, he didn't. It was nearly 9 pm, and they had left the house at 7. They wouldn't be back until the next day, and not until the morning if he knew his parents well enough to stay the night at his aunts to avoid detrimental accidents, so he wouldn't be much of a disappointment if he waited just a little bit longer to shower, or until the morning. But he knew he wouldn't be able to rush it all until the last minute, so he pushed himself to walk away from his laptop and juggle the water bottles, plates, and bowls back to the kitchen. And maybe piss. Maybe get something to eat and actual use the pizza money. He had been weighed down by his mental health for days, and thinking about how bad it made him feel made him anxious, but actually thinking about changing and going back to his life on the road made him want to cry.

The green eyed boy got up slowly, turning on the light in his bedroom and flinching with squinted eyes at the sudden brightness. He moved slowly all together, picking up a few things at a time and moving up and down the stairs. When he stepped back into his room for the second time to gather up the last of the plates, soon moving onto the bottles, he realized how bad he and his room actually smelt, and vowed to shower that night. (Even if it physically drained him to move back and forth right now.) But he managed to plan to get his shit together before 12 pm.

-

He had ordered a medium pepperoni and fries, showered, and shaved before 9:30 and he felt pretty accomplished. Even with his hairdye running down his face, he felt like a load has been taken off when Federer had finally taken a liking to him again, circling his legs when he left the steamy bathroom in pajama pants and an old tshirt. It seemed like the New Year was going to be a good time, especially when the doorbell rang and Michael could feel his stomach rumbling happily. 

But when Michael opened the door, there was no boy with Pizza, rather a boy from his band. None other than Luke Hemmings himself.

"Hey." Luke greeted. Michael rolled his eyes, moving to close the door again but Luke's foot got in before he could get it all the way, and Luke's boxer arms pushed open the door again and slinked into the livingroom.

"Get out." Michael said firmly.

"What, no hello?" Luke smirked.

"I'm serious, leave."

"And if I don't?" Luke said, eyebrow raised at Michael's defensive stature. 

"I don't know, you tell me, the possibilities are endless aren't they?" Luke's face fell at the sly remark and he rolled his eyes. "Please, just get out."

"Can we talk for 15 minutes?" 

"No."

"What about 10?"

"Luke, please just go I don't want to see you. It's my private time."

"And I came to see you on my private time, you, the person who called me a fucking lowlife asshole the other day, instead of going out to Jazz's New Years Eve party." Michael softened at Luke's words. 

"5 minutes and I'm timing you." Michael huffed. Luke grinned. "Start talking."

"Im sorry for the article."

"Oh yeah, what a way to make up for the past 2 months."

"I'm sorry for a lot of things actually, I figured that'd be a good place to start."

"Most times, you start from the first fuck up, but feel free to go on." Michael said, moving into the kitchen. 

"I'm also sorry for skipping your party, because I knew that was really important."

"No big deal, best friend didn't come to my 20th birthday, only one of the biggest events of your life." 

"I didn't think we were best friends at that time though." Luke admitted sheepishly. Michael turned, his head cocked and expression confused. 

"Why wouldn't we be?"

"Because stopped talking to each other for like 2 weeks." Michael rolled his eyes.

"Oh save the ego."

"I thought you were still mad at me."

"What for fucking Zay? I'd be less mad if I knew you cared more about getting laid than showing up to my birthday, but nope, still a fuckass weren't you?" Luke dragged his hand over his eyes and down his face in frustration. 

"We didn't fuck we just..."

"She blew you?" Luke stood with his lips tight, and Michael nodded and pointed a finger at the boy. "You always had the same fucking 'got my cock sucked' face."

"Mike, please don't talk about that."

"I'm being honest. You got 2 more minutes." Michael warned.

"I just came to say that I'm sorry for everything that happened since September. Since we broke up." Michael scoffed at Luke's words

"We never dated." Michael said, his voice hushed.

"We fucked."

"Well put four young dudes on a tour bus they're gonna have sex aren't they? Isn't that what you said?"

"Michael-" A knock on the door interrupted them and Michael moved for the money left on the table. "Mike."

"Fuck off."

The older boy opened the door and handed the bills to the man, greeting him politely, took the box and greasy paper bag and waited for his change, then gave him a generous tip of nearly all the change he got back, before closing the door.

"Mike-"

"Your times up, get out."

"Can you let me finish and stop making fucking jokes."

"This whole band is a fucking joke Luke!" Michael shouted. Luke's face fell at the rise of Michael's voice. "Making this whole fucking band was a joke. This isn't a fucking dream anymore it's a nightmare. Half the time I've woke up this month I'm counting down the hours to when I can go back to bed so my head will shut the fuck up. All you care about is fucking girls and putting out music and all I care about recently is not trying to overdose on sleeping pills but damn, that seems like a fucking great idea after this week." Luke took a step closer to Michael, seeing he was about bubble over. 

"Mikes-"

"Don't 'Mikes' me this band doesn't make me feel fucking human anymore and I'm so close to being done that I don't know what to do anymore other than-" The eldest boy's voice cracked, and Luke was seemingly perfect timing in gripping his shoulders and cradling him. 

"Relax."

"I feel like I'm gonna have a panic attack." Michael said, his voice growing breathier. 

"It's alright. Sit down." Luke said softly. It wasn't like Luke hadn't seen Michael's breakdowns before, it's just he never technically triggered them, or heard Michael indirectly if not completely directly tell him he wanted to off himself. The younger boy took the box from Michael's hands, guiding him to sit on the bottom of the stairs and he sat with him. "Breathe."

"I can't."

"Do the 7 second thing you always do. Remember? Like this?" Luke mimicked the familiar breathing that occasionally made Michael pass out in peace right after, and kept a hand on his thigh. "You got it." Luke coached. "Just relax, nothing's gonna fuck you over right now."

"I wanna throw up."

"Are you going to though?"

"No." Luke nodded, bumping knees with the boy and staying quiet until he looked lolled out and exhausted. "You know I'm gonna have to like tell your mom or Nick or something right?" Michael nodded. The blonde haired boy got up from the stairwell and pulled out his phone to dial Karen's number, put he felt a pull on his fingers seconds before he could press the call button.

"Later."

"You sure?"

"Just stay." Luke's eyes widened in surprise. "I can't be alone."

"Okay."

-

It was 11:30 now, and Luke had Michael asleep in his lap. He had two slices of pizza and a handful of pizza before passing out on Luke (Usual panic attack ordeal) and Luke was unsure if he was going to wake him up before the new year or let him sleep through it, so he texted Ashton in a desperate call for help, thankful that he could still finagle a phone call with a liquor in his system and comprehend what Luke was saying.

"Oi! What were you texting me." Ashton shouted into the receiver. 

"Michael's in my lap." Luke whispered.

"What?" Ashton shouted.

"Can you find a quiet place?" Luke said in his normal tone. Thankfully, Ashton heard that, and moved himself away from ear splitting sub wafers.

"Alright what?" Ashton asked, his voice slightly slurred.

"Michael is asleep in my lap." Luke listened to the sudden silence on the line. "Ashton?"

"What the fuck did you do with him?"

"Tried to apologize."

"And you knocked him out when you got mad."

"How drunk are you? Can I tell you serious information?"

"You can try." Ashton laughed.

"Michael may want to leave the band. And die." Luke said bluntly. The youngest boy listened to a door close on the other end, before Ashton spoke up again.

"Luke, repeat what you just said. Cal's in the room."

"Michael may want to leave the band and die."

"As in suicide or?" Calum asked.

"I'm telling his mom in the morning."

"Should we call Nick?" Ashton asked

"I was gonna tell him too. He wants me to stay the night with him because he's afraid to wake up alone." Ashton and Calum were silent on the other end, and even apart, the band shared a similar feeling of angst for there bandmate. 

"Look, when he wakes up tomorrow, we'll have a meeting at mine." Ashton declared.

"You want me to stay until he wakes up in the morning?" Luke asked apprehensively. 

"Luke, if he wants to off himself at all, I hope to god your fuck buddy relations make you walk away and risk waking up to only 2 of us." Luke gulped at Ashton's words, looking down at the red fluff in his lap, sleeping contently. 

"Okay. Go have fun. We'll talk later."

When Luke hung up the phone, the boy on top of him began to stir, his body turning towards Luke and petting the couch with his hand and his eyebrows making a face of discontentment. Luke raised his eyebrows at the boy, moving to bring Michael's hand back to his body, but to his surprise, it seemed actually on the contrary, when Michael kept hold of 3 of Luke's fingertips and went back to being soothed. And it was then that Luke realized that both he and Michael were fucked.

-

When Michael awoke the next day, he was surprised when he felt quite whole, but also slightly confused. He opened his eyes, feeling the sheets of his own bed, but his eyes widened when he saw Luke, asleep in his chair with his neck bent in an ungodly way that Michael cringed at. The boy sat up, climbing out of bed with his sheets wrapped around his shoulder before moving towards the taller boy. He wanted to wake him, he really did, but he also didn't want the sympathy riot. He didn't want to think about Luke carrying Michael up to bed, and watching him sleep until he passed out himself. But he also wanted to be aware of it. And he wished he was awake for it. But most of all, he wished his feelings for Luke would go away.

Michael pushed his bare foot against Luke's leg a few times, before accidentally pushing too hard and the boy waking up in a shake due to the sudden spinning of himself in the office chair. 

"Hey." Michael said.

"Hi." Luke grumbled, voice heavy with morning grumbles. But Luke's face softened instantly. "Hey Mikes." The older boy got up from the chair, popped his spine and neck into place a few times, before adjusting the snapback correctly on his head. "How you feeling?"

"I should be asking you that since I saw the way you were sleeping." Michael smiled. Luke chuckled sitting back in the office chair and crossing his arms.

"Your mum home?" Michael shrugged. "I'll check." Luke said, rising from the chair once again. Michael reached out for the blonde boy instantly.

"Don't tell her."

"Michael-"

"Please."

"If I don't tell her, Ash will. Cal will. Or Nick." Michael's face drained, his chest heaving and eyes glassing. "Michael."

"I don't want people to worry."

"We were already worried." Luke reminded.

"Luke, please don't tell. We'll-We'll have to go on hiatus and I'll let people down, I'll let more fans down, more will leave."

"Michael, look at me." Luke said. The older boy knelt down, placing his hand on Michael's knee. "Nobody is gonna be mad for feeling."

"They will be."

"If they are, they're lowlife assholes and cocks." Luke said with a smile. "Don't cry."

"I'm not."

"Then why do you have that look on your face?" Michael's eyes betrayed him in that moment, and Luke got up, wrapping a protective arm around him.

"I don't want people to hate me."

"Nobody hates you."

"You did." Luke tightened his grip on the boy. 

"I could never hate you."

"You promise?" Michael asked. Luke smiled using his thumb to mop up the boys eyes and cheeks.

"Promise."

Michael stared at Luke's eyes, and at his lips. He was tempted, to rebuild walls and to recollect feelings. But he knew both were bad ideas. So he remained vulnerable.

"Okay."

-

Luke stared at Michael in the car on the way there, and if Ashton wasn't driving he's do the same. Calum texted Nick the entire time, but his hands shook and he looked like he fiend for a drag.

"You okay?" Luke whispered to the red haired boy. Michael shrugged, continuing to stare out the window. The blue eyed male sighed, stretching his arm just the tiniest bit to touch Michael's anchor and trace it over before retracting it. Michael looked at him for a few moments before smiling softly and subtly. 

"I'll live."

-

Michael choked. Swayed back and forth as the word 'evaluation' came out of Nick's mouth.

"Do I have to?"

"We can't have artists going down like this." Nick explained. "Your mental health, if it's this bad, needs to be addressed professionally. Even if it means a hiatus."

"B-But Japan. Our tour, what if I'm not back in time for-" Michael stuttered.

"It's a risk we have to take. They'll understand." Nick said.

"But-"

"I'll cover for you Mikes, don't worry about it." Luke said with a smile. Michael nodded warily, turning back to Nick.

"What do I need to do?"

"Pass the evaluation and we continue with a therapist, or take a hiatus and go inpatient." 

Michael gulped.

-

"Luke." Michael mumbled, his fingers in his mouth nervously. "Luke, I'm scared."

"It's a 3 day policy. And you're safe. It's one of the best hospitals." Luke said.

"What am I gonna tell my mum?" Michael asked.

"I'll take care of it."

"I don't wanna leave you guys."

"It's 3 day."

"It can be up to a month." Michael reminded. His eyes got shiny once again, chest heaving. "I don't wanna go. Luke I'm-" Michael didn't even get a single tear out before Luke grabbed him, pulling him into his chest. 

"It'll be okay."

"Are you still gonna tour without me?"

"Not unless we have to."

"Make sure to get down the riffs."

"You're not dying."

"I feel like I am." Michael whispered. Luke pulled away from the boy. 

"You're okay. You'll be okay. I promise."

-

It had been a day, one single full 24 hours without Michael, and Luke had cried twice. Calum had cried and Ashton had cried at least three times. They all had their big cry session when Michael failed the evaluation and was being sent off for good, but now in the car, an entire day after Michael had left, Luke snapped like a tree branch under constant pressure. And it was completely unexpected. Luke had just seen something that Michael would laugh at at, that he'd pass his phone off to show him in the car. Something that would make him throw his head backwards and cackle, or better, shake his head with an ear to ear grin and tell Luke to shut up.

Calum was first to hear the whimper and see the flowing rivers on Luke's cheeks, and he unbuckled his belt, and tumbled over the seat (very dangerously but swiftly) just to hold Luke's hand. Ashton noticed too, but he looked like he hadn't stopped crying since Michael left. Or maybe it was the lack of sleep.

-

"Hey you." Luke said, smiling into the phone.

"Hi." Michael said chirpily. "God, I haven't heard from you in like a week."

"Well, we just got back from doing a bunch acoustic gigs on acts of promo. For tour and shit."

"Did you learn the riff?"

"I already knew the riff you fucking asshole." Michael howled with laughter on the other line. "So it's been 3 weeks, when are you coming back?"

"Hopefully before you leave for Japan. I need to see my people."

"You're literally milk white."

"Metaphorically not racially you dumb ass."

"You promise you'll be back before Japan?"

"The possibilities are high, then again the possibilities are endless."

"Will you ever stop that?"

"Maybe one day. I got therapy though. Catch you later yeah?" Luke's smiled slipped off his face.

"Yeah... Yeah alright bye Mikey."

"Buy Lukey! Stay good!" 

And the line clicked off.

-

"I told you I wouldn't break my promise. I'm back." Michael said. The boys turned away from Nick and broke out into a plethora of smiles, screaming in whoops and picking up their best friend. Michael had been gone for nearly a month, but bargained his way out of the hospital by promising phone call sessions of therapy twice a week. "Alright, put me down you fucks!" Michael laughed. Calum set the boy down, and Luke and Ashton unstuck themselves from his side. 

"Good to have you back Michael." Nick smiled. Michael grinned back, just as happy as the others, if not happier. The green eyed boy looked over his brothers, but stuck to Luke.

"Good to be back."

- 

Japan was a much different story than Luke expected. They had 2 days off in the beginning. Half their morning was theirs, the other was promo. They didn't mind it, but Luke watched Michael's new routines with wide eyes.

Every morning, 2 pills.

One in the middle of the day. 

2 more pills at night

4 vitamins before bed.

"What are those?" Luke asked. Michael looked at him over his glass of water that next morning. 

"Antidepressants. I need a high dose so I get two." Luke looked at the large orange bottles in Michael's bag. 

"What about the other ones?" Michael smiled.

"Anxiety. Promo and show Xanax. And a shit ton of vitamins so they work properly. And because they fuck up my levels." Luke leaned against the wall, watching Michael put the pills in a little baggie and stuff them into his pocket.

"Maybe you shouldn't take all of them then." Luke said quietly. Michael smiled softly.

"You weren't there when I tried to hurt myself. I _need_ them now."

-

Michael had gotten better. Significantly better. But after being in Japan for that week and going back home, Luke found himself camping out in Michael's bedroom like a 15 year old again. But it was scarier now.

"Hey Lu?" Michael piped up one night.

"Yeah?"

"Did you really miss me when I left?" Luke sat up from his spot on the floor, looking up at Michael in his bed. "Be honest."

"Yes." Luke said firmly. "All the time." Michael blinked at him. "Every second of everyday." Michael laid there for a moment before sitting up to.

"Sleep in my bed." Michael said. Luke's eyebrows raised at him.

"Why?"

"Bad thoughts."

And Luke obeyed.

-

Michael sat in front of another interviewer, their tour began faster than he had time to prep himself, and in all honesty, he almost, just almost, wanted to be in isolation again. He felt safer there.

"So Michael, you've been very unlikely." The woman began. Michael nodded, plastering a fake smile on his lips. "You got burned, fell off a stage, the Rolling Stone article came out and smeared all of you, but Michael you actually came out with some mental health problems. And very bravely faced the decision that many artists don't and went into rehab. How was that experience?" Michael stared at the ground, thinking over the question and he could feel the tension on him as the live cameras rolled. 

"It... Wasn't fun?" Michael said questionably.

"Well tell us about it, were you put in a straight jacket, is it actually what we portray it as." The woman asked. Michael fish gaped for an answer to the question, his face going red, then suddenly paling.

"Can we cut this?" Luke spoke up. 

"Pardon?" The interviewer asked. Luke rolled his eyes and Michael's eyes widened.

"It's a really invasive question." Luke said.

"He really doesn't wanna talk about it. None of us do." Calum added. 

"Like it's really personal for him and us. So I mean, let's not." Luke said bluntly. The interviewer half gaped at them and stuttered her way back to survival, cutting to a commercial, and as soon as the light went off, so did Luke. "I'm not trying to be rude, but that was really inappropriate. So I mean, I'm done." Luke declared. The tall boy pulled the tiny microphone off his collar and out through his shirt, pulled the box off his belt and handed it to the interviewer. "Sorry, I just, I don't deal with this shit." Luke laughed, walking off the stage.

"Lu," Michael began. "Lu wait."

And Michael followed.

-

**"5 Seconds of Snarky! Luke Hemmings' Nasty Comments from Interview Released. Video Below!"**

_"It's f*cking bullsh*t, she's a c*nt!" Luke Hemmings, in quicksand for comments picked up by fellow member's mic backstage._

_Hemmings reportedly got very defensive when questions were asked about bandmate Michael Clifford's rehabilitation from earlier this year. Clifford was very hesitant and vague with his answers, and all around uncomfortable with the topic. Hemmings however stood up for him, saying "Can we cut this?... It's a really invasive question." While on air. In the live recording you can also see and hear him say "It's really personal for him and us." Before he officially walked off set, the mic caught "I'm not trying to be rude, but it was really inappropriate. So I mean, I'm done. Sorry, I just, I don't deal with this sh*t"_

_Yikes!_

_Hemmings certainly is defensive. The Rolling Stone article from Christmas of 2015 got Hemmings in hot water, but a lot of fans might be angry at him once again for the comments picked up by Clifford's mic when he followed in pursuit. The video of the audio is below, but here are some subtitles._

_Clifford: Luke-_

_Hemmings: That was total sh*t. It was a f*cking rude ass thing to ask you. Especially on spot._

_Clifford: I'm okay though. Relax, relax Lu._

_Hemmings: I'm not gonna relax. I sat with you the night you wanted to f*cking die. This is a joke. It's f*cking bullsh*t, she's a c*nt for pressuring you."_

_So far, Hemmings nor Clifford has commented on the insults. But fans are up in flames, not realizing how bad Clifford's mental health truly was and #WeLoveYouMichael has been trending for over 24 hours._

Luke smiled, finishing reading over the article.

"I have no qualms." He smirked.

-

"Is it bad I'm afraid to go out there." Michael laughed. Luke smiled, ruffling Michael's newly died pale pink locks.  

"Did you take your Xanax?"

"When don't I?" 

"What are you scared of then?" Michael swallowed thick, watching their countdown move into the 20s.

"Not being able to get away from this for the next few months. And not being able to breathe." Luke looked at the boy with worry, reaching out for his hand and squeezing it.

"We'll be alright."

-

"Why do you keep sleeping in Michael's bed?" Calum asked. They had been on tour for 2 days, and thankfully had camped out in hotels more than on the bus. Luke and Michael had been inseparable. 

"Does it matter?" Luke asked. The blue eyed boy took a bite out of his toast. He and Calum had gone out to the gym, and Michael remained asleep, Ashton already out running his usual laps. So Luke and Cal had decided to treat themselves to the breakfast buffet downstairs. 

"Are you hooking up again?" Calum asked hesitantly. Luke rolled his eyes. "Are you?"

"I have Zay." 

"Well when was the last time you talked?" Luke stayed silent. "Might wanna fix that."

-

 "I broke up with her." Luke said blearily. "I don't even know why I'm sad. I did it." 

"Because now you're alone?" Michael suggested. Luke tried not to think about it. He had Michael tucked underneath his arm and holding onto his middle with an adorable set of sleepy eyes, like a newborn deer, too innocent to even be alive. 

"I don't get why people hated her so much. She gave fans cute pictures of me and covered for my ass all the time." 

"Because you're everyone's precious baby Luke." Michael smiled. "The adorable tiny boy of the century."

"I'm 6'4."

"Adorable tiny boy of the century." Michael repeated.

"Even yours?" Luke teased. Michael smiled, closing his eyes and nudging further into Luke's chest. 

"Yeah." He whispered. "Sometimes."

-

"Hey Mike, can I ask you a really important question?" Calum asked in the dressing room. Michael stopped plucking at his acoustic and looked up at Calum. Luke and Ashton had left the room to get vender food, and it was just the two of them now.

"What's up?" Michael said

"Do you still like Luke?" Calum inquired. Michael froze, raising an eyebrow at Calum questionably. 

" _Why?_ " Michael asked.

"He's sleeping in your room, in your bed, and you're all cuddly again and shit. And he and Zay broke up. I just thought maybe you two were, I dunno, making amends?" Calum explained. "I don't care if you do, I just don't want a repeat of last year's silence. Or earlier this year." Michael smiled at the boy.

"I'll be fine."

"So do you like him again?" Calum pressed. Michael laughed, shaking his head.

"You're so gossipy."

"Is that a yes?"

"It's a 'I'm not answering'". Michael stated proudly. 

-

"What do you want for your birthday?" Michael asked. Luke opened his eyes to look at the boy beside him, well, now in front of him.

"Shouldn't you be asking Ashton this? His is before mine." Luke said. Michael smiled, stretching his hand out to pet Luke's scruff. Luke sighed, Michael had been getting touchier lately, more affectionate, and it worried him. Scratch that, terrified him. But half asleep, he couldn't tell him no.

"I'll say it again. What do you want for your birthday." Luke smirked, closing his eyes again and burying his face in the fluffy white pillows.

"I don't know... A fleshlight. And tell me how to use it."

"It's been 6 months, when are you gonna let it go?" Luke laughed low into the pillows before pushing his face back into Michael's touch.

"Okay. Then an elephant slinger." Luke joked. 

"The weird man thongs?"

"Yup." 

"That's gross."

"That's what I want. Pick from the two, and let me sleep." Luke groaned.

"Fine. Goodnight Elephant slinger." Luke smiled.

"Goodnight baby."

-

"He called me baby last night." Michael said shyly.

"Isn't that good though?" Calum said with a smile. "Doesn't that mean that you guys can like be a thing again or whatever."

"Calum, before we were just sex." Michael said quietly. "Something's different now." The newly blonde platinum haired boy curled himself into a ball before his best friend. "I think I'm falling in love with him now." 

-

"I figured you wouldn't show up tonight. Y'know, just to get me back for last year." Luke said. 

"Oh, this is your party? Not Ashton's? Well fuck, why am I here?" Michael joked. Luke smiled ear to ear, reaching out and pulling Michael into an embrace. "Wouldn't miss it for the world Lukey." Luke's baby blue's shimmered.

"Good. Come, drink with me."

-

Michael sat on the floor, curled up and avoiding all the people in Luke's party. As soon as he lost Calum, Ashton, and especially Luke, he felt exposed. Nobody else really understood what he went through earlier that year, and most didn't know. He was vulnerable, and he shouldn't have drank with Luke, because now he felt his sanity betraying him. Everything was moving too fast, and he wanted to cry. It was like a constant slow panic attack for the past 45 minutes. Alone, bass thumping in his ears, and fear heavy in his head. He wanted to flee, but he wanted to stay. For Luke. But he couldn't.

He left after being alone for 47 minutes, stumbled back to his hotel room, and climbed into the shower. And he sobbed. He felt hopeless, and hopelessly defective. Like a terrible friend, and it made him want to avoid Luke for the next 5 years. He was sure he'd be mad. Sure he was talking about him at the party. How bad he was. What a terrible friend he was. And how Michael was too sensitive, plaguing him with his problems. Michael wanted to climb out of his body. Wanted to run away. But he didn't have the energy or the balls to do it in that moment. So, he put on one of Luke's shirts, climbed into bed, and let his eyes flood him until he fell asleep.

-

It took an hour to Luke to realize Michael had actually left _left_ his party. And he panicked. His phone went straight to voicemail, texts unanswered and unread. So Luke decided it was in his best interest, to go back to the hotel and try not to panic. In the sense where he should've known better, Michael never liked crowded spaces, so this added on with the new diagnoses, was beyond ignorant of him.

Luke slid his key card through the door and found Michael fast asleep in bed, Luke's shirt dripping off him, and his face was wet. So Luke figured he hadn't been asleep long. But something barreled into his chest that said wake him up. So he did.

"Babe?" Luke said. He ran his fingertips over Michael's previously streaked cheeks until his eyes blinked open at him. "Hey." Luke said in a hushed tone. "You been crying baby?"

"Im sorry." Michael whispered. His voice was destroyed. And Luke wanted to cry just looking at the broken boy before him.

"Don't be. I'll stay." Michael watched, his eyes bloodshot and bleary, as Luke stripped off his shoes, jeans, and shirt and climbed into bed. "Come here little spoon." Michael sniffled, moving closer to Luke and laying his head on his chest. 

"You left your own party because of me."

"You were the party."

"I was alone for 45 minutes." Luke closed his eyes in resentment. 

"I shouldnt've made you go."

"I made myself go. It's my own fault." Luke looked down at the boy. 

"When are you gonna stop blaming yourself? "

"When it stops being my fault." Michael said. Luke cupped Michael's chin in his fingertips. 

"It's never your fault'"

"Why don't you hate me yet?" Luke stared at Michael's green eyes for what felt like hours, eyes flicking down to his lips. And it felt like everything added up, in that moment of complete vulnerability, it just felt like the right thing to do. 

Luke leaned in, and tilted Michael's chin up just barely to catch his lips. And it felt like something, it felt like everything. Like static electricity, like the choke of crying, like the spins of being drunk, it all came out by the movement of their lips. And they soaked themselves in it. Michael craved it just as much as he did, reaching out to pull Luke closer to him, and to taste each other's daily faults. In all the bad they had in their heads, this was the good. It was the dove in the dark, flying out of their chests. And everything felt clear. 

Luke pulled away, pressing his lips against Michael's cheeks, ghosting over Michael's eyes.

"That's why."

 

**Author's Note:**

> Welp 9 hours of writing resulted in this. Hope you enjoyed. Might add a little mini chapter for this, but other than this it's technically done.  
> All the love fam!


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